Say Whaaaaaaaaat?!

Lately I've been offering a lot of prayers of thanks for all the blessings God has given us, namely our children. I stand over Peter's crib at night and watch him sleeping, or watch Nicholas running through the sprinkler, or hear Owen singing a song, and I know for certain that I did nothing to deserve these boys. They are absolute and total gifts, and, as the Irish saying goes, they're given to us on loan. In these past few years, I've learned a lot about kids and pregnancy in general, and I feel very fortunate to have had five pregnancies, three of which have been viable. That's why it really tweaks my hide when people say the stupidest stuff, and for some reason I've been hearing more of it lately. As always, in the spirit of venting and good humor, I figured I'd share.

These are the questions/statements that people REALLY ask before, during, and after pregnancy. They're all insulting and shocking, but I've put them in chronological order, along with my newly resolved answers to said idiotic statements or questions.

10) "Did you grow over the weekend?" (Yes. The Jerk Department called. You need to go up a size too.)

9) "Are you sure you're not having twins?" (Are you sure you're not carrying a small troll in that beer gut?)

8) "I hope you're not planning on getting pregnant again right away. Your body needs a rest." (Did my uterus write you an e-mail voicing a concern?)

7) "So, when's the next one coming along?" (Can I check out of the hospital with this one, please?)

6) "Oh, miscarriages aren't really a big deal when you already have a kid." (I feel SO much better now -- that never crossed my mind. Crisis averted! Phew!)

5) "How many kids do you want?" (Are you selling one or more of your children?)

4) "Was it a planned pregnancy?" (You should ask your mother that question about her pregnancy with you -- or is that question too personal to ask your own mother and reserved exclusively for other people's moms?)

3) "Do you want more kids?" (Well, that all depends. What's the word on the street? How much I could sell one for on the black market?)

2) "Somebody needs to put some birth control in the water cooler! You're the third person in two weeks to tell me she's pregnant. (We planned it that way in the commune. Oh, and I'm happy for me too, thanks. Oh, and I'm feeling fine, too, thanks for asking.)

1) "So are you done now?" (Yes. The built-in thermometer popped out of my belly button. Thank goodness I saved it from the Butterball last Thanksgiving).

The preceding quoted expressions are in fact real and previously stated by strangers, co-workers and well intentioned children who are simply following the poor example of their parents. These statements have been brought to you by FIMA, Foot-in-Mouth Association, copyright 2009.